Medical Elective- Day 39

I worry sometimes that one day I’ll just stop coping. Bam. Just like that. Sometimes I’m fine and dandy, just like everyone else in the world, happily just getting on with life without really thinking about it. Some days  I have to remind myself to do a lot of things- pick up my feet when I walk as otherwise I just shuffle and get caught on the pavement, look people in the eye when they speak and then remind myself to stop staring at them and listen to what they are saying. I can’t look at people in the street for fear that they are thinking something terrible about me that may subliminally be passed over and then have to remind myself to act natural so that they can’t tell that I know that they think I’m mad. But mostly I just get on. Just sometimes I have to remind myself to stop pulling faces while I’m thinking. And seriously, stop frowning so hard.

Today was once again brilliant but very sad as today was my last clinic day. I just got to know everyone by name and started to get offered tea by the dental nurses. I felt almost like I ought to be there, like part of the set up. So I bought in the obligatory sweeties for the afternoon and made a card with the obligatory stick figure picture of myself waving, with a speech bubble saying “Bye Bye, thanks for having me!” And after clinic at 7pm I finally got some time with Mr Big Cheese- my absentee supervisor. He said we should go to a coffee place over the square to chat and Reg and SHO joined us. We all had lemonade and a bite and a chin-wag about the current state of OMFS training etc etc. Then Reg and SHO left and I updated Mr BC on what I’d been up to for the past six weeks. I bought a show and tell bag. He went through my Uni ‘Elective Diary’ and seemed chuffed that I appeared to have been listening when he was telling me things (I’d written them down in the diary). I also showed him the case report I’d written (he only made two corrections and one was a typo) and told him about my second case report. I forgot to mention all the work I’d done for the other Consultant. I showed him my sketch book and a half-finished painting. I explained that it was the start of a project to raise awareness for his charity. He seemed pleased all round. I was pleased all round. And despite being so nervous I was shaking I felt like I’d made a good impression. It almost felt like a job interview, but the interviewer is your dad. A weird mixture of nerves and a strong desire to make them proud.

I noticed that I was shaking when I had talk to these people. I try so hard to be serious and make witty yet very subtle comments and not say anything that could be misinterpreted in any way. I try so hard to make myself bland. I want to work with these people. I was looking at the Reg thinking, you may be my consultant one day. I may work for you. I want it so much that I worry about the impression I’m making. But then I worry I’ve come across as shy or even aloof. The SHOs have all been really nice and I feel like I’ve been able to open up to them a bit more. But still. It struck me at how good a bullshitter I am the rest of the time. Everyone who knows me in ‘real’ life probably can’t understand the concept of me being shy. I’m normally loud, wise-cracking, outgoing and proactive. But I don’t want them to see through it and think I’m just a massive bullshitter. Instead I think being thought of as a bit shy but kinda jolly most of the time, and with a talent that I’m willing to share (everyone is totally intrigued by an artist in a room of surgeons), is much better than being a loud-mouth who may get on smashingly with some but annoys the crap out of everyone else. Also, I noticed how much easier this would be if I were a boy. I’d be in the boys club. But I’m not a boy and I’m not going to make ‘being a girl’ a selling point. So, here we are. At the end. I hope I’ve made a good impression. I hope they remember me favourably when they are interviewing me for a training post in a few years time. Last day in theatre tomorrow then out for a couple of drinks, with the opportunity to get smashed and destroy this carefully constructed personality by dancing on the table.